They Dumped Their Mood On You? Try This
No doubt you’ve experienced how difficult it is when someone is going through a difficult time and transfers their frustrations to you. You’re then left to carry their emotion and not transfer that mood on to someone else.
The reality is we can’t immediately get rid of these emotions. They were kind of forced on us. Ideally though you:
(i) don’t want to carry them too long
(ii) don’t want to transfer them to someone else.
So, what do you do?
According to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy there are two steps.
Step One: Accept that the feeling is going to be with you for a bit of time. Rather than get angry that you’re now the holder of the feeling, or that you can’t get rid of it immediately, or that you have to spend your time and effort focusing on distinguishing the feeling. Rather just go OK this (fill in the feeling) will be present with me for a little while.
The idea is to understand that you can still take actions throughout your day, whilst you experience a range of emotions and thoughts. The key is to focus on the actions you want to take.
Step Two: Remind yourself, and your mind what meaningful actions and values you have today. For example, I pride myself that overall (I’m far from perfect!) I’m driven to be the sort of person to lift people up and congratulate them on their talents. So, I remind my mind, that even though someone dragged me down, it’s meaningful to me to raise people up. The more I do that during the day, even when I’m feeling frustrated or sad, the more my mind will realise what I’m trying to achieve and slowly the feelings of frustration and sadness will dissipate to allow for this.
If you continually act out your meaningful actions, then at the end of the day, regardless of your feelings and thoughts you achieved what was purposeful for you. That’s the whole aim of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Not how happy you were throughout the whole day but what actions did you end up taking that were meaningful for you.
Kelly Perry
BAppSc, PostGradCertBusAdmin, PostGradCertPolSt, DipCounselling
Author of The Counselling Edition (2024)
The Counselling Edition by Kelly Perry
Creating meaningful actions despite our feelings and thoughts
I attended a two day workshop on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and I remember this real story that was shared.
A lady in the audience spoke to the lecturer in the break. He asked if he could briefly share her story and she agreed. She had been looking forward to this workshop, however just days ago had been diagnosed with a reasonably serious illness. She said she couldn’t stop thinking about it and it was destroying her ability to concentrate on the workshop content. Did the lecturer have any tips on how she could focus and enjoy the workshop more?
The first response was obviously being sorry to hear such news. Then the response was that it’s understandable her feelings and thoughts were present in the room. That these were foremost in her mind.
I think we often like situations to be ideal. Acceptance and commitment therapy is based around the assumption that we live our lives daily with our feelings/emotions and thoughts, often painful, and we get angry with ourselves for not managing them or try to fight to get rid of them.
Instead, this is where the acceptance comes in. Instead of being frustrated by these emotions and thoughts, the aim is to recognise that of course they’re going to be there. That lady still attended the workshop. Carrying out this action that was meaningful to her - learning. She could be celebrating herself, her actions and her courage instead.
The measurement of ACT is not based on performance outcomes but whether you carry out meaningful action despite your feelings and thoughts. That is where the commitment part comes in.
I appreciate sometimes our feelings and thoughts can be super loud and impactful. Like this lady was experiencing.
Sometimes, I find if I negotiate with my emotions and thoughts, considering them external to me. Saying something like OK emotions and thoughts I know you’re going to be sitting alongside me today eg during this workshop. All I ask is that I can focus a little more on the content, because this is meaningful to me. Every time you repeat this is “meaningful to me”, it shifts the action to the forefront of your mind. You also don’t focus so much on the emotions and thoughts because they know you’ve made space for them. That’s how to reduce the “noise”.
Hopefully this makes sense!
Kelly Perry
BAppSc, PostGradCertBusAdmin, PostGradCertPolSt, DipCounselling
Author of The Counselling Edition (2024)
Why you don’t focus on your emotions
In interiors we can capture an emotion. For example, you might go for the boho casual vibe, or maybe you’re going for the rich, elegant, classical vibe. When you walk into these rooms it will create a distinct emotion.
However, these rooms are “static”. Our lives are different! We dynamically live seeing a lot of different people with different values, often in a lot of different environments. So, within a day we might experience 20 different emotions, sometimes in a short span of hours! Therefore, if we try to aim for an emotion in our life, like our home interiors, we’re going to be disappointed and confused.
It’s not possible to always be calm, confident, happy, beachy, boho, elegant or joyful. You fill in the emotion. As we’re human!
Now I know there is a lot of focus on being able to sit with our difficult emotions, however I take a slightly different approach. I recognise (acceptance) that every day I’m going to experience a range of emotions, so emotion management isn’t what I’m striving for, or focus on. Instead, my focus is on forward momentum of what’s meaningful to me.
So, if I become distinctly annoyed, angry or feel bad. Yes, it hurts! I just recognise that these emotions live with me, often daily. My aim is to keep shifting through (even if a bit slower) the actions that are meaningful to me eg work, writing blogs, enjoying time with my husband and friends, despite these emotions.
Yes, sometimes I need to address what’s annoying me, making me angry or feeling bad, however, I’m conscious of what we describe in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as are you driving the bus? Which is a question about if you’re on your bus (you’re the bus driver of your life), are you currently:
(i) driving in the direction that is meaningful to you
(ii) dealing with or being highly influenced by the passengers on your bus, which are your emotions and thoughts, often coming from other people (past or present), society or our own self doubt.
Ideally you want to be driving the bus. Why? Because you’re the bus driver of your life and it’s a lot more fun moving in the direction you want, despite the daily noise!
Kelly Perry
BAppSc, PostGradCertBusAdmin, PostGradCertPolSt, DipCounselling
Author of The Counselling Edition (2024)
Who gave “I’m not good enough” the microphone?
I want to talk about the “I’m not good enough”, or the “I’m a failure” theme. Basically, that voice in your head that makes you feel bad about yourself and comes with strong emotions such as disgust, embarrassment and shame.
This voice is usually triggered by a scenario/event/person/expectation, and “fighting” that voice used to be an old way to tackle it. For example, getting angry and actually trying to argue the point. All this does is give the “I’m not good enough” emotions and dialogue in your mind and body your space, time and energy.
Plus, the reality is we all have weaknesses, so sometimes that voice is right, in that you’re not good at something (my singing for example). Or sometimes from someone else’s view it is correct according to their values, or maybe you just stuffed up, or you fear you’re going to stuff up!
So, one of the best methods for dealing with this voice is to negotiate with it and externalise it. For example, I know you’re really loud, horrible and going to hang around, but just this evening I have a fun event planned, and it’s really meaningful for me to have fun with my friends. Or I know if you hang around, you’re going to exhaust me. I really want to go for a run today, so maybe you can stay for a little while but I’m going to focus most of today on conserving my energy.
You can even use it in the past tense. For example, I know I really stuffed that presentation up at work but it was really meaningful for me to try. It’s a small part of my job and I know this feeling isn’t going away soon but the other 90% of my work is important to me too. So you can stay with me but I want to still action my work today.
The more you highlight what’s meaningful to you, the more you’re emphasising what you want to do. This is especially important because it puts these thoughts at the forefront of your mind, rather than the voice that wants to tear us down and prevent us from doing what we love.
It is important to practise this skill because no matter how much counselling you get, we never stop being triggered. We’ll hear this voice and feel these emotions. We can’t escape that, but what we can do is once triggered, we don’t panic, spiral and argue, we instead shift into reminding ourselves and our brain that I’d rather focus on what is meaningful. It’s a much more fun way to enjoy life.
Kelly Perry
BAppSc, PostGradCertBusAdmin, PostGradCertPolSt, DipCounselling
Author of The Counselling Edition (2024)
A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
A note from the author shares some words from Kelly Perry when she started her career as a personal trainer and realised she had the technical skills to design a fitness program but not the ability to provide emotional support, such as to one of her clients who was going through a divorce. Understanding the basics of the mind can be a valuable tool for yourself and to support others.
In my "A note from the author" introduction to my book "The Counselling Edition" I talk about how "during my career as a personal trainer, I discovered I had the technical skills but lacked the psychological finesse to truly support those in my training program.
One defining moment etched in my memory involves a courageous lady navigating divorce. While I could craft a fitness program for her, what she really sought was beyond the physical - she craved the restoration of confidence and control. If I had possessed the training, experience, and knowledge I have today, then I could have been more help to her."
Our thoughts and emotions impact how we behave, our confidence and self belief. So understanding how our minds work is always a valuable tool to moving us closer to the actions we want to take and being in alignment with our values.
To access the introduction, including contents page, of The Counselling Edition, click here (pdf format).
No email or password required. Happy to share :)
Plus, here’s some celebration pics from my sunset book launch. A fun evening!
“I found reading Kelly’s book both enlightening and validating. She provides very good insight into the power of safely managing ones emotions and criticism from others”
“Kelly is an incredible resource of knowledge, expertise and wisdom. ”
Outplay Your Inner Critic
Ready to Outplay Your Inner Critic?
We all know that little voice—the inner critic that sneaks in to question our worth and confidence, echoing negativity from the past. But what if there’s a way to quiet that voice and move forward with self-assurance and clarity?
This insightful piece, Outplay Your Inner Critic, dives into understanding where that voice comes from and why fighting it head-on rarely works. Instead, it offers a compassionate and empowering approach to silencing self-doubt: by finding and amplifying a stronger, more supportive voice.
We all have an inner critic. That little voice can be especially loud when triggered.
This inner voice can impact our confidence and self-worth. It can be there when you wake up, when you go to sleep, and sometimes echoes throughout the day.
Let’s be honest—it’s not easy to quieten this inner critic. Even with years of studying counselling and behaviour change, I’ve found myself grappling with it too. Professional help made a difference for me, together with combining techniques I’d studied and personal strategies.
Why Fighting the Inner Critic Doesn’t Work
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) suggests it takes too much energy to fight the inner critic. Instead, ACT encourages focusing on your values (what’s meaningful to you) and taking action toward them. While this is an empowering approach, it can feel impossible to follow your values if the critic has destroyed your confidence.
One Technique I Use - The Power of a Stronger Voice
Imagine standing your inner critic next to someone you deeply connect with, someone whose belief in you is unwavering. This could be a grandparent who always encouraged you, a close friend who lifts you up, or even a spiritual belief that offers strength and guidance.
The goal isn’t to fight the inner critic directly but to let this more powerful, positive voice take centre stage. When the critic says, “You’re not good enough,” this supportive voice counters, “You are capable, and I’m here to support you.”
Why Confidence Can Be Elusive
Sometimes, even glowing compliments from others aren’t enough to silence the critic. That’s because the critic draws its strength from deep, old wounds—one where we felt deeply hurt and often less powerful. That is why sometimes our own self belief can not override the inner critic, because our sense of self and confidence at that stage of our lives was less powerful.
To outplay the inner critic, we need a voice stronger than the critic was at its loudest. A supportive voice to go with yours. This voice becomes your guide, reminding you of your worth and providing the confidence to act in alignment with your values.
How to Strengthen Your Inner Supporter
Identify Your Powerful Voice
Who or what inspires you to believe in yourself? It could be a person in your real life, or a person who has passed away but was your biggest supporter, a mentor, a higher power or even a strong belief or cause.Draw from Their Strength
When required, think about what this person or belief would want you to do. What supportive words would they offer?Lean on Their Perspective
When your inner critic starts up, shift your focus to this voice. Imagine them standing beside you, gently but firmly reminding you of your capabilities.Practice Self-Compassion
Recognise that your inner critic isn’t your fault—it’s an echo of the past. Allow yourself the grace to lean on external strength while you rebuild your inner voice.
Outplaying, Not Outshouting
The next time your inner critic tries to overpower you, remind yourself: this voice isn’t the ultimate authority. By aligning with a stronger, supportive voice, you can move forward with the confidence to pursue what truly matters to you.