Changing Up Your Story
I think one of our misconceptions is we don’t change. While it can be comforting to feel like we’ve figured ourselves out, Sometimes we unknowingly trap ourselves inside a single story or long held belief. A story that the world, our culture, or even a store assistant, may have written for us.
I remember once walking into a department store and asking to try on a new fragrance, Dolce & Gabbana. I wanted to experiment with a different vibe. The store assistant took one look at me and said, “Nope, you’re a Hugo Boss girl.”
I get it, sporty, yes, that was a part of me. But it’s not all of me. That moment stuck with me because it showed just how quickly we can get boxed into identities. Not maliciously, but habitually.
In narrative therapy, there’s a powerful idea that we are not just one story, we are made up of many. We have dominant stories that often take the spotlight, but behind those are quieter ones that also deserve air time. And exploring these other stories, the ones we haven’t lived fully yet, can be freeing, healing and might need more space at different times in our lives.
Lately, I’ve been going to Yin Yoga classes. This might not sound revolutionary, but for someone who has lived in the world of being an athlete with structured sets and striving performance goals, this is very new. Yin is slow, spacious, quiet and non-judgement. And surprisingly, I love it. I feel like this is something I’m moving into that doesn’t “fit” my usual identity but is becoming my new norm. And it doesn’t erase my past, it expands me to this next phase in my life.
I believe it’s okay, in fact, essential, that we try on new identities. That we allow ourselves to explore a side we’ve neglected or been too shy to own. Life isn’t meant to be lived in one fixed style.
Yes, branding is important in business. But when it comes to your life? You’re allowed to change. You’re allowed to be a “Hugo Boss girl” and still spritz on a little Dolce & Gabbana when the mood hits.
So, maybe consider:
What identity or part of you have you been curious about, but haven’t given yourself permission to try?
Maybe it’s a dance class. A different way of dressing. A new spiritual practice. Or a whole new career chapter.
You’re not flaky for evolving. You’re human.
You’re allowed to change your story!
Kelly Perry
BAppSc, PostgradCertBusAdmin, PostgradCertPolSt, DipCounselling
More Than One Story: How Narrative Therapy Helps Us Hold Space for Life's Many Facets
By a Counsellor Who’s Learning Alongside You :)
There are times in life when one experience can feel so dominant, it overshadows everything else. Painful breakups. Work struggles. Health challenges. Family conflict. In these moments, our brains, doing what they were built to do, zero in on the danger, the discomfort, the problem. And that experience can begin to feel like the story of our lives.
But narrative therapy invites us to pause. To notice. To ask: “Is this the only story I’m living right now?”
One approach I’ve always found deeply moving comes from a narrative therapy exercise shared in research about teenagers struggling with their weight. These young people, overwhelmed by negative self-image and emotions, were asked to draw a simple outline of themselves, just a body on a page. Inside this outline, they wrote down everything they did over a typical week.
Then, they were given a highlighter and asked to mark the activities that weren’t significantly impacted by their weight.
Things like:
Being good at violin lessons.
Getting praise in maths class.
Laughing with friends who cared about them.
Going on weekend getaways with family.
The goal wasn’t to dismiss their pain or deny the challenges they faced with body image. It was to widen the lens. To show them that while weight was one part of their experience, it wasn’t every part. Their lives were full of moments where their weight wasn’t in the driver’s seat. There was still joy. Still connection. Still accomplishment. Still them.
This exercise has stayed with me for years. And lately, I’ve been returning to it in my own life.
When I’m facing something hard, I try to ask myself: “What else is true right now?”
Even in pain, I can still enjoy my morning Yin yoga and hot chocolate ritual.
Even when things feel uncertain, I can still have a deep laugh with a friend.
Even when one area feels stuck, another might be growing.
Narrative therapy reminds us that we are multi-storied people. Our lives are layered, complex, and dynamic. No one experience, no matter how heavy, can ever fully define who we are. There is always more to the story.
So if you’re in a hard place right now, perhaps you can take a moment today to write the fullness of your week. Then highlight what’s still okay. Still beautiful. Still you.
We are not one story.
We are a tapestry of many.
And that truth can hold us with balance, compassion, and hope, even on the hardest days.
Kelly Perry
BAppSc, PostgradCertBusAdmin, PostgradCertPolSt, DipCounselling
Uncertainty is our brain’s nemesis
Our brain hates uncertainty. Whether it is uncertainty about whether you can perform a task, your job being in jepodardy through a restructure, concerns about relationship, health and finances.
Often you’ll hear a saying we need to “get comfortable with being uncomfortable”. This is actually a reflection of the times we live in rather than an understanding of how our brains work.
Our brains are problem oriented. Great when we’re successfully solving a problem. Problematic when we shift into a “problem saturated” state. Basically this means our brain hones in on our uncertainty to the point that our emotions, such as self doubt and fear about the situation, start to become so overwhelming it impacts our thoughts and actions. This often happens in uncertainty, especially when the uncertainty is beyond our ability to solve, or is outside our control.
What do we do when this situation arises?
* Recognise that the ability to be creative and brainstorm is limited
* Increase comfort and safety in our life to offset the uncertainty
* Highlight other meaningful aspects of your life for expanded focus
* Give yourself time to process what’s happening
I’ve created a more detailed article about this for submission to the Wellness Magazine. In the interim, if you’re interested in professional emotional support during an uncertain time, or would like to refer someone, feel free to message me. Alternatively, my book The Counselling Edition covers some ideas on dealing with emotional overwhelm :)
Kelly Perry
BAppSc, PostGradCertBusAdmin, PostGradCertPolSt, DipCounselling
Author of The Counselling Edition (2024)
They Dumped Their Mood On You? Try This
No doubt you’ve experienced how difficult it is when someone is going through a difficult time and transfers their frustrations to you. You’re then left to carry their emotion and not transfer that mood on to someone else.
The reality is we can’t immediately get rid of these emotions. They were kind of forced on us. Ideally though you:
(i) don’t want to carry them too long
(ii) don’t want to transfer them to someone else.
So, what do you do?
According to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy there are two steps.
Step One: Accept that the feeling is going to be with you for a bit of time. Rather than get angry that you’re now the holder of the feeling, or that you can’t get rid of it immediately, or that you have to spend your time and effort focusing on distinguishing the feeling. Rather just go OK this (fill in the feeling) will be present with me for a little while.
The idea is to understand that you can still take actions throughout your day, whilst you experience a range of emotions and thoughts. The key is to focus on the actions you want to still take.
Step Two: Remind yourself, and your mind what meaningful actions and values you have today. For example, I pride myself that overall (I’m far from perfect!) I’m driven to be the sort of person to lift people up and congratulate them on their talents. So, I remind my mind, that even though someone dragged me down, it’s meaningful to me to raise people up. The more I do that during the day, even when I’m feeling frustrated or sad, the more my mind will realise what I’m trying to achieve and slowly the feelings of frustration and sadness will dissipate to allow for this.
If you continually act out your meaningful actions, then at the end of the day, regardless of your feelings and thoughts you achieved what was purposeful for you. That’s the whole aim of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Not how happy you were throughout the whole day but what actions did you end up taking that were meaningful for you.
Kelly Perry
BAppSc, PostGradCertBusAdmin, PostGradCertPolSt, DipCounselling
Author of The Counselling Edition (2024)
The Counselling Edition by Kelly Perry
Creating meaningful actions despite our feelings and thoughts
I attended a two day workshop on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and I remember this real story that was shared.
A lady in the audience spoke to the lecturer in the break. He asked if he could briefly share her story and she agreed. She had been looking forward to this workshop, however just days ago had been diagnosed with a reasonably serious illness. She said she couldn’t stop thinking about it and it was destroying her ability to concentrate on the workshop content. Did the lecturer have any tips on how she could focus and enjoy the workshop more?
The first response was obviously being sorry to hear such news. Then the response was that it’s understandable her feelings and thoughts were present in the room. That these were foremost in her mind.
I think we often like situations to be ideal. Acceptance and commitment therapy is based around the assumption that we live our lives daily with our feelings/emotions and thoughts, often painful, and we get angry with ourselves for not managing them or try to fight to get rid of them.
Instead, this is where the acceptance comes in. Instead of being frustrated by these emotions and thoughts, the aim is to recognise that of course they’re going to be there. That lady still attended the workshop. Carrying out this action that was meaningful to her - learning. She could be celebrating herself, her actions and her courage instead.
The measurement of ACT is not based on performance outcomes but whether you carry out meaningful action despite your feelings and thoughts. That is where the commitment part comes in.
I appreciate sometimes our feelings and thoughts can be super loud and impactful. Like this lady was experiencing.
Sometimes, I find if I negotiate with my emotions and thoughts, considering them external to me. Saying something like OK emotions and thoughts I know you’re going to be sitting alongside me today eg during this workshop. All I ask is that I can focus a little more on the content, because this is meaningful to me. Every time you repeat this is “meaningful to me”, it shifts the action to the forefront of your mind. You also don’t focus so much on the emotions and thoughts because they know you’ve made space for them. That’s how to reduce the “noise”.
Hopefully this makes sense!
Kelly Perry
BAppSc, PostGradCertBusAdmin, PostGradCertPolSt, DipCounselling
Author of The Counselling Edition (2024)
Why you don’t focus on your emotions
In interiors we can capture an emotion. For example, you might go for the boho casual vibe, or maybe you’re going for the rich, elegant, classical vibe. When you walk into these rooms it will create a distinct emotion.
However, these rooms are “static”. Our lives are different! We dynamically live seeing a lot of different people with different values, often in a lot of different environments. So, within a day we might experience 20 different emotions, sometimes in a short span of hours! Therefore, if we try to aim for an emotion in our life, like our home interiors, we’re going to be disappointed and confused.
It’s not possible to always be calm, confident, happy, beachy, boho, elegant or joyful. You fill in the emotion. As we’re human!
Now I know there is a lot of focus on being able to sit with our difficult emotions, however I take a slightly different approach. I recognise (acceptance) that every day I’m going to experience a range of emotions, so emotion management isn’t what I’m striving for, or focus on. Instead, my focus is on forward momentum of what’s meaningful to me.
So, if I become distinctly annoyed, angry or feel bad. Yes, it hurts! I just recognise that these emotions live with me, often daily. My aim is to keep shifting through (even if a bit slower) the actions that are meaningful to me eg work, writing blogs, enjoying time with my husband and friends, despite these emotions.
Yes, sometimes I need to address what’s annoying me, making me angry or feeling bad, however, I’m conscious of what we describe in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as are you driving the bus? Which is a question about if you’re on your bus (you’re the bus driver of your life), are you currently:
(i) driving in the direction that is meaningful to you
(ii) dealing with or being highly influenced by the passengers on your bus, which are your emotions and thoughts, often coming from other people (past or present), society or our own self doubt.
Ideally you want to be driving the bus. Why? Because you’re the bus driver of your life and it’s a lot more fun moving in the direction you want, despite the daily noise!
Kelly Perry
BAppSc, PostGradCertBusAdmin, PostGradCertPolSt, DipCounselling
Author of The Counselling Edition (2024)
Who gave “I’m not good enough” the microphone?
I want to talk about the “I’m not good enough”, or the “I’m a failure” theme. Basically, that voice in your head that makes you feel bad about yourself and comes with strong emotions such as disgust, embarrassment and shame.
This voice is usually triggered by a scenario/event/person/expectation, and “fighting” that voice used to be an old way to tackle it. For example, getting angry and actually trying to argue the point. All this does is give the “I’m not good enough” emotions and dialogue in your mind and body your space, time and energy.
Plus, the reality is we all have weaknesses, so sometimes that voice is right, in that you’re not good at something (my singing for example). Or sometimes from someone else’s view it is correct according to their values, or maybe you just stuffed up, or you fear you’re going to stuff up!
So, one of the best methods for dealing with this voice is to negotiate with it and externalise it. For example, I know you’re really loud, horrible and going to hang around, but just this evening I have a fun event planned, and it’s really meaningful for me to have fun with my friends. Or I know if you hang around, you’re going to exhaust me. I really want to go for a run today, so maybe you can stay for a little while but I’m going to focus most of today on conserving my energy.
You can even use it in the past tense. For example, I know I really stuffed that presentation up at work but it was really meaningful for me to try. It’s a small part of my job and I know this feeling isn’t going away soon but the other 90% of my work is important to me too. So you can stay with me but I want to still action my work today.
The more you highlight what’s meaningful to you, the more you’re emphasising what you want to do. This is especially important because it puts these thoughts at the forefront of your mind, rather than the voice that wants to tear us down and prevent us from doing what we love.
It is important to practise this skill because no matter how much counselling you get, we never stop being triggered. We’ll hear this voice and feel these emotions. We can’t escape that, but what we can do is once triggered, we don’t panic, spiral and argue, we instead shift into reminding ourselves and our brain that I’d rather focus on what is meaningful. It’s a much more fun way to enjoy life.
Kelly Perry
BAppSc, PostGradCertBusAdmin, PostGradCertPolSt, DipCounselling
Author of The Counselling Edition (2024)
A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
A note from the author shares some words from Kelly Perry when she started her career as a personal trainer and realised she had the technical skills to design a fitness program but not the ability to provide emotional support, such as to one of her clients who was going through a divorce. Understanding the basics of the mind can be a valuable tool for yourself and to support others.
In my "A note from the author" introduction to my book "The Counselling Edition" I talk about how "during my career as a personal trainer, I discovered I had the technical skills but lacked the psychological finesse to truly support those in my training program.
One defining moment etched in my memory involves a courageous lady navigating divorce. While I could craft a fitness program for her, what she really sought was beyond the physical - she craved the restoration of confidence and control. If I had possessed the training, experience, and knowledge I have today, then I could have been more help to her."
Our thoughts and emotions impact how we behave, our confidence and self belief. So understanding how our minds work is always a valuable tool to moving us closer to the actions we want to take and being in alignment with our values.
To access the introduction, including contents page, of The Counselling Edition, click here (pdf format).
No email or password required. Happy to share :)
Plus, here’s some celebration pics from my sunset book launch. A fun evening!
“I found reading Kelly’s book both enlightening and validating. She provides very good insight into the power of safely managing ones emotions and criticism from others”
“Kelly is an incredible resource of knowledge, expertise and wisdom. ”
Outplay Your Inner Critic
Ready to Outplay Your Inner Critic?
We all know that little voice—the inner critic that sneaks in to question our worth and confidence, echoing negativity from the past. But what if there’s a way to quiet that voice and move forward with self-assurance and clarity?
This insightful piece, Outplay Your Inner Critic, dives into understanding where that voice comes from and why fighting it head-on rarely works. Instead, it offers a compassionate and empowering approach to silencing self-doubt: by finding and amplifying a stronger, more supportive voice.
We all have an inner critic. That little voice can be especially loud when triggered.
This inner voice can impact our confidence and self-worth. It can be there when you wake up, when you go to sleep, and sometimes echoes throughout the day.
Let’s be honest—it’s not easy to quieten this inner critic. Even with years of studying counselling and behaviour change, I’ve found myself grappling with it too. Professional help made a difference for me, together with combining techniques I’d studied and personal strategies.
Why Fighting the Inner Critic Doesn’t Work
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) suggests it takes too much energy to fight the inner critic. Instead, ACT encourages focusing on your values (what’s meaningful to you) and taking action toward them. While this is an empowering approach, it can feel impossible to follow your values if the critic has destroyed your confidence.
One Technique I Use - The Power of a Stronger Voice
Imagine standing your inner critic next to someone you deeply connect with, someone whose belief in you is unwavering. This could be a grandparent who always encouraged you, a close friend who lifts you up, or even a spiritual belief that offers strength and guidance.
The goal isn’t to fight the inner critic directly but to let this more powerful, positive voice take centre stage. When the critic says, “You’re not good enough,” this supportive voice counters, “You are capable, and I’m here to support you.”
Why Confidence Can Be Elusive
Sometimes, even glowing compliments from others aren’t enough to silence the critic. That’s because the critic draws its strength from deep, old wounds—one where we felt deeply hurt and often less powerful. That is why sometimes our own self belief can not override the inner critic, because our sense of self and confidence at that stage of our lives was less powerful.
To outplay the inner critic, we need a voice stronger than the critic was at its loudest. A supportive voice to go with yours. This voice becomes your guide, reminding you of your worth and providing the confidence to act in alignment with your values.
How to Strengthen Your Inner Supporter
Identify Your Powerful Voice
Who or what inspires you to believe in yourself? It could be a person in your real life, or a person who has passed away but was your biggest supporter, a mentor, a higher power or even a strong belief or cause.Draw from Their Strength
When required, think about what this person or belief would want you to do. What supportive words would they offer?Lean on Their Perspective
When your inner critic starts up, shift your focus to this voice. Imagine them standing beside you, gently but firmly reminding you of your capabilities.Practice Self-Compassion
Recognise that your inner critic isn’t your fault—it’s an echo of the past. Allow yourself the grace to lean on external strength while you rebuild your inner voice.
Outplaying, Not Outshouting
The next time your inner critic tries to overpower you, remind yourself: this voice isn’t the ultimate authority. By aligning with a stronger, supportive voice, you can move forward with the confidence to pursue what truly matters to you.